Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

Hi Girls!

I stole this from a blog I found this past week but can't remember who it was but I thought it was a great idea.  Over the last couple weeks I had linked up with the lovely Leslie at blondeambitionblog.com on her "About You" series.  I thought it was great and I really enjoyed reading some of the other lovely gals who also linked up.  However, I also wanted to get a little more serious and give you ladies, who stumble upon this blog, a bit more insight into me. This is a bit scary--some of the things I'm going to discuss make me very vulnerable and I don't like being vulnerable.  But when I decided to write this blog, I also decided that I was going to be open and honest and use it as a vessel for my emotions.  So, here goes...

1)  I'm terrified of being a disappointment.  To who?  Well, to everyone.  I don't want to let down anyone in my life.  I want everyone to think that I have it all together.  Even though my parents are no longer here, I even struggle with myself on trying not to disappoint them in being the woman I know they expected me to be.  I would consider myself a people pleaser even though I hate that about myself. 

2)  I lost my job on January 31st.  The first week and a half afterwards I took to decompress--what that really means is cry and what that really means is bawl my eyes out at the drop of the hat.  I've worked since I was 16.  I started my professional career when I was 22 right out of college.  I left the company I started my career with and was with for 12 years to "do something different" and unfortunately, it just didn't work out.  I was devastated.  I was hurt.  I was scared.  I've put so much of my life into developing my career--putting so many things on the backburner because I wanted to be a career woman and now I'm feeling a bit lost mostly because I've always been defined by my career. I'm working with some great colleagues from my past who are all being so supportive and helpful and I am managing to now turn all my negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I'm thinking that's because of all the prayers and positive thoughts that so many have been sending to me. I've only told a few of my friends about this and you may be asking why but read #1 again---I'm so afraid of appearing as a disappointment to those who know me as the professional.  UPDATE to this confession:  I wrote this post over a week ago because I wanted to get what I was feeling out but because this is such a tough situation, I decided to leave it as a draft for a little while--mostly to protect my feelings.  Fortunately, I'm feeling better and have begun my aggressive search by reaching out to a much larger network of folks that I hadn't planned on before.  I also realized that I'm not the only person who has ever lost their job.  Good people lose their jobs everyday.  What matters most is that I am picking myself up by my boot straps and getting back out there.

3)  I'm worried that I'll be single forever.  I know I'm not old but y'all, I'll be hitting over the half way point in my 30's this year.  I'll no longer be in my mid-thirties, I'll now be in my late 30's.  And I'm single.  Very single! I have made some bad decisions in relationships in my past--some I'd wish to altogether forget about but well, they are a part of my past so I hope I can just say that I learned something from them.  I've always been a very independent woman but now I'm wondering if I've been too independent and maybe I pushed away the right guy because he didn't seem enough for me at the time.  But girls, I'm praying--praying hard that God still has the right man in mind for me and that he brings him my way very, very soon.

4)  To go along with #3, I'm afraid that I'll never be a mother.  What's strange about this is that I've gone through several periods in my life where I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children and honestly, I still have those days.  I love children--I love all the friend's kids.  I love having them over for slumber parties, planning parties, watching them grow--heck, I have a kid playroom in one of the spare bedrooms in my house that holds all their toys, games, stuffed animals, etc.  But the older I get, the more I worry not only if I will ever have children but if I actually will be able to carry a child. Last time I was at the gynecologist, she reminded me that the chances of being able to get pregnant after 35 starts to dramatically increase.  Talk about a ray of sunshine, right?

5)  I've had a very tumultuous relationship with God.  I don't know why this is something that I'm afraid to tell you because I know that everyone has struggled with their relationship with God at some point in their life.  I grew up in a family of strong Christian faith.  My parents were very involved in our church and different ministries in the communities.  Because of their involvement, obviously, I was involved too.  We, as a family, prayed a lot, attended church together and faith was always represented in our household.  I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was around 12 and was baptized at 24 when I became a member of my church.  After the deaths of my parents when I was 17 and 18, I questioned God more than I ever have before and if I'm being honest, I still do in regards to that situation.  Why would a God that loves me so much leave my sister and I as orphans?  What did we do to deserve that?  Because of all this, I often don't feel worthy being a child of God.  I struggle everyday.  I know this is natural.  But I look at others who seem to have their life together in their walk with Christ and I'm jealous.  I know I can have the same thing.  I know I will.  I'm a work in progress. 

Gosh y'all--that was heavy.  There are so many more but I'm going to be honest in telling you that it was exhausting getting that out. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading!  Oh and if you know anyone hiring in Sales in the Charlotte, NC area, let me know ;) 


Penny said...

I stumbled across your blog through Kellys Korner. I have enjoyed reading through your posts. Todays really spoke to me. though not of our experiences are the same, I am definitely one and the last one I can identify with. I have lost both of parents and my only brother in the past few years. I understand feeling like an orphan. God has an amazing plan for your life. I am praying for you and will continue to read your blog. Glad you enjoyed the snow, we have had a ton and I am sick of it :)

Jennifer Morgan said...

Penny, I hope you come back to see this message because for some reason I am not able to reply directly to your comment. Thank you so, so much for leaving this message and the kind words. It means more to me than you know. I also appreciate your prayers. I jumped over and started reading your blog as well and love some of your weekly ideas (that I'm probably going to be stealing)--lol. Look forward to "getting to know you". God Bless!

Sakena said...

I just love you and your spirit and your honesty. You are truly a " what you see is what you get person; fully transparent and perfect!"!
This was an awesome blog post! MUAH

Laura Jackson said...

I found your blog through Blonde Ambition's Friday link-up.
I'm also a 30-something (33) single girl, and I know EXACTLY how you feel!
Please know you're not alone. There's a girl here in the Houston area who knows what you're going through.
God bless you! Will follow your blog!

Jennifer said...

Laura-Thank you so much for your comment and for reading my blog. I had to make some changes to my blog in order to respond directly to you, so I apologize for the delay from when you first commented. And thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one out there :)

Jennifer said...

Penny, I had tried to reply to you directly when I first saw your post but was having some blogger issues. Thank you for posting your comments. I am very humbled by you saying it spoke to you as that is what I'm hoping to get out of this :) Thank you for praying for me and for reading my blog.