Thursday, June 26, 2014

Thinking Out Loud Thursday

Hi Girls-

So I normally have been posting a "Thankful Thursday" but this post has been gnawing at my gut recently and I decided to put it out there for blogger land to see.  So much happened over my 2.5 month hiatus so I'm trying to get caught up for myself so that I can look back at this later and remember certain times and what I was feeling.  Unfortunately, life isn't all about rainbows and unicorns.  I know we all know that.  I know we all know that life doesn't always go as we planned.  But when bad things happen to people we love, I go into nurture mode and want to fix it.  In the past, I've found myself to be a great fixer but nearly a month ago I found myself in a situation that I couldn't fix and honestly, it is still very troubling to me. 

On May 17th, the little town that I live in was invaded by hundreds of thousands of race fans.  I don't do Nascar.  As a matter of fact, it is the time of year where the locals don't leave their home, and if they do it is in the opposite direction of the race track.  I was on a great high--I had just traveled home from a great 2nd interview which resulted in a job offer, was throwing a lingerie shower for a dear friend of mine's daughter who is getting married in July and was spending the afternoon with my friend D and her 3 beautiful children.  The middle child had convinced me to have a sleepover that night and her mom was running home to get clothes for her.  All the happiness of the day from accepting a new job, having a great bridal shower and fun with the kids came to a screeching halt when I received devastating news that one of my best friend's daughter's boyfriend had been killed in a motorcycle accident near the speedway. 

Times like this make you question so many things and feelings of my past rise to the surface.  I'm a "pusher downer" folks---and if you don't know what that is, it means that I push all my bad feelings, sadness and grief down to the most inner part of my being.  I don't talk about it (which is a reason I started this blog).  Unfortunately, when bad things happen, these feelings begin to fester and start to cause an immense sense of anguish, denial and hurt.  It becomes hard to focus on the good and all the great things in my life that I have been blessed with.  He was only 25.  Why him?  He had such promise and such a long life ahead of him. Why do things like this happen?  I know that is an answer I will probably never know but it still something I struggle with nonetheless. 

So, why did I decide to write this post that is obviously still very fresh, sad and horrible?  I wrote it because I've dealt with a lot of death in my life.  My heart has hurt so much in my past and I would be lying if I said that I still didn't question God with why he chose to take my wonderful parents.  But I've never lost a partner--someone I loved romantically or even worse a child.  Everyone deals with their grief differently and no one can tell you when you should or even if you are going to be ok.  But leaning on God in these times of trouble really can provide comfort.  I know--if you've been through it, easier said than done.  However, this whole situation has made me view things differently and to make a real effort not to take things in life for granted.  There were several young adults that came to know Christ at this young man's memorial service which is absolutely amazing.  The impact that he made on other's life was astounding, amazing and completely unexpected.  I can only hope that when it is my time, there are that many people with amazing stories that they want to share about me. 

RIP CJP 5/17/14---you will be missed!

I pray that if you are reading this and are struggling with feelings of doubt, pain, anguish or whatever that you may be dealing with that you remember this verse.  He has a much bigger plan and purpose for you---one that most likely you don't even know yet.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you not harm you, plans to give you a hope and future." Jeremiah 29:11