Saturday, October 11, 2014

Dating Schmating! The Secret Life of a Single Gal Trying to find Love...

Hi Girls-

Happy Saturday y'all!  As promised in my confessional yesterday, this is part 1 of my life as a single gal.  This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart.  I know all too much about it and I do it more often than I want to.  It's dating and if you are single and in your 30's, you probably know all about it too.  I hate dating but I hate online dating even more.  I feel like I've been on every appropriate dating site that a 36 year old could subscribe to over the last several years---eHarmony,, Christian Mingle, heck I even looked at which BTW, I didn't join.  The fact of the matter is that it's hard to be a single, never been married, 30 something, independent gal BUT it's even harder for said single gal to date. 

Online dating doesn't have the stigma anywhere near what it did years ago when I first looking into it.  Honestly, you can't meet many single folks who haven't tried it.  And everybody knows somebody who met someone and fell in love and had 4 babies with someone they met online---blah blah blah!  Do you feel my disdain for those people?  Yeah, it's there y'all and it's real!!!!   It's so hard to meet someone organically anymore.  For me, this is even tougher because I work from home so I am not in a normal office environment where I'd be around people that would say, "Oh, I have the perfect person to introduce you too."  Outside of that, I have done things like going to a new church, looking into (although I haven't done any of them yet) new hobbies and places to go.  All of my friends are married---like every single one of them so I literally am the only single gal in my group. 

Now let me back up just a bit--I'm going to delve into my emotional state of mind in dealing with being single.  Even though this is a very vulnerable place for me, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I know I can't be the only single 36 year old gal that exists in the world--even though I sometimes feel like it.  I hate being single.  I hate being alone every night with just my fur-babies and my thoughts.  I have an overwhelming fear of being by myself for the rest of my life--never meeting the one, never getting married, never finding someone to love me or take care of me when I'm old and gray.  I fear not having someone to hold my hand when I'm sick, or sad or happy or just wanting someone to hold my hand.  I fear not ever getting those butterflies in my tummy again when I'm so excited about being with that special guy even if I've been with them a million times before.  I fear that I'll never have someone tell me that they love me and why they love me and how they could never live without me.  I fear that I'll always be that person that when out in a group and the waitress is divvying up the checks, I'm the only one that says, "by myself or on my own".  These are my thoughts--raw and real. 

I've loved before---once when I was younger and thought I knew what love was, once when I was a bit older and just wanted to get married because all of my friends were and once when I was older that made me lose all sense of self and hardened me to the point of not being sure if I ever wanted to love again.  It's tough!  It's scary!  Sometimes I grieve for my loss of love.  Sometimes the grief is paralyzing--so much so that I just want to give up on it altogether and just say "screw it".  Sometimes I try to convince myself saying that some people just aren't meant to be part of a couple and maybe that "some people" is me. 

OK, so this post got a little more serious than I had planned.  I had originally wanted to write about the last few guys that I dated from Christian Mingle, which by the way my subscription ran out last week and I didn't renew it.  With that being said, I am going to come back on the completely nutso guys who should never have gotten past the preliminary stages of my profile details but nonetheless they did.  But because I've rattled on about my "feelings" for so long, I'm going to save their crazy shenanigans for another post so come back on Monday girls, especially if you've been in my shoes before.  I'm sure we can compare some great stories :)


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