Thursday, February 23, 2017

10 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me...

Hi Girls-

Happy Thursday!  And after the week I've had, this is exactly how I'm feeling--bahahahaha!!!


Y'all...seriously...no seriously...y'all are the absolute best!  Thank you again for the sweet messages you've left me here and personally about moving on and moving up based on my last 2 posts.  But that's it.  I've left the pieces on the floor and I am moving on.  But for reals, y'all make a girls heart just explode.

I love posts like the one I am doing today.  I love it so much that as I was typing this out, it all sounded strangely familiar and then I realized I did it already back in August of 2015.  You can read about it here.  I did get a chuckle going back and reading what I had posted then because 2 things still ring true:  boob sweat is the devil and I still have that stupid gray eyebrow hair and one on my chin that magically appears overnight.  Like, WTF man?!?  It's only one hair...but dang, I see this happening and literally freak out.

But these are the fun, light hearted posts that I love to read on other bloggers pages.  Because we all want to know about people we never met but feel we know already because they give us glimpses and snapshots into their life. 

So...I'm going to do an updated, 2017 version of 'Things You Probably Don't Know About Me."
  1. I write stuff in my calendar and my to-do list after I've done it just so I can feel more accomplished at the end of the day.
  2. I sometimes wear the same makeup 2-3 days in a row.  I know..so bad for my skin but hey, yesterday's eyeliner is today's smoky eye :)
  3. I get jealous when my bestest friends talk about their other friends.  Not like Lifetime movie crazy jealous where I'm sitting in front of their other friends houses plotting what I'm going to do to "take care of the situation" but my closest friends know I'm needy and have just come to understand my feelings.  It is what it is.  True story--but they love me anyway.

  4. I always have unexplainable bruises all over my body--knees, arms, tummy...like where do they come from?!?  I mean seriously, they just appear.
  5. I'm a horrible swearer.  I'm not proud of it at all but I curse...A LOT.  I probably should work on that...just not today.
  6. Two things I have become obsessed with since I started my low carb eating plan nearly a year ago:  Microwavable Pork Rinds and G. Hughes Sugar Free BBQ Sauce .  Yes, I know the pork rinds sound gross but oh Mylanta, they are so good, especially when they are warm right out of the microwave.  And the BBQ sauce--it sugar free so low carb and it is absolutely delicious!  My sister turned me onto this and I have no idea how I lived without it for so long.  I put it on everything.  Hickory is my favorite flavor so far.
     
  7. Stich Fix has become a slight obsession for me and I should probably do a post on it but I am currently receiving it monthly and typically choose at least 3 of the 5 items I receive.  It's an expensive habit and oh, how I love it!!!
  8. I've been obsessed with 80's movies lately and have watched all of the following within the last 2 weeks:  Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Better Off Dead, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Valley Girl.  Movies just seemed to be so much better then.  Am I right?!?
  9. My house looks straight up like a mix of Hobby Lobby, Target, Garden Ridge and Pinterest combined.  And I'm not ashamed.  I love it when people walk in and say "OMG, your house is so cute." or "I saw that on Pinterest."  I have a problem with keeping up perfect appearances--it's something I'm working on because I want to be the real representative to everyone I meet, not just my closest friends.  But my house is my comfort zone.  I love everything about it.  I think I'll do a house tour next week so I can share it with y'all.
  10. I love Tito's vodka (which I drink on the rocks) and red wine (preferably Malbec).  Not together but they are both my favorite.  Tito's has definitely been my go-to choice for alcohol since I started my weight loss journey and wine is something I have ALWAYS loved.  Yes, I realize it may make me sound like a lush that I added this into the 10 things you may not know about me but whatevs...lush or not, me likes my booze. 
Okay girls, so there you have it.  A little more insight about moi. 
 
I hope y'all have a super fab rest of your Friday eve! 

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Pick Your Head Up Princess, Your Tiara is Falling...

Hi Girls-

Happy Wednesday!  I've been busy.  I put on lipstick yesterday.  I did my hair today.  I'm good.  Today was a new day!

So I'm just going to dive right in...  but first, thank all you girls who were so sweet to call, email and text me such wonderful uplifting messages.  They meant more than you will ever know. 


When I last left you just a couple short days ago, I was fresh from experiencing heart break--a feeling I hadn't felt in a really long time.  I was in the grief stage where crying seemed to be the only emotion I could handle at the time.  I let my emotions pour out of me onto this blog and I have to admit that it was very therapeutic.  I allowed my heart to feel for the first time in many years and unfortunately it didn't work out the way I had planned.  But I'm ok. 

I'm in the anger stage of the break up process.  The tears have stopped.  The sadness is there but going away and my heart still hurts but for different reasons than it did on Monday.  Best thing there are no more tears.  It's amazing what a clear mind, amazing friends, some beautiful flowers, super funny texts and cards, a couple good nights of sleep and maybe a bottle of Tito's can do for you. 

I've been thinking about this post ever since I wrote the last one.  I didn't think I'd get here as quickly as I have (which is obviously a good sign) but it's here and I'm going to be completely honest with myself (and with y'all)...so if I'm inappropriate or swear, I'm sorry but this is a raw me right now.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." ---Mark Twain.  Umm...yeah...preach it Huckleberry...I love this quote and it's so fitting.

When I first started laying out my thoughts for this post, although I hadn't planned for it to be man-bashing it was definitely leaning in that direction.  And that's not how I wanted this post to be perceived.  I'm not going to bash this man for hurting me.  I'm not going to openly express what an asshole I think he is.  I'm not going to go into the details of what happened (except one big one that will make you do this...like for reals)
What I'm going to do is tell y'all about my anger and what I'm going to do to continue to work it out and most importantly move on.  Because I don't know who will be reading this and if by chance it helps someone then that's even more reason for me to lay it all out there. 

No relationship is easy.  For anyone.  No relationship is easy--especially for someone who dates me.  I'm not difficult in every situation but I'm 38, single, never been married and have become pretty set in my ways.  But let me say this...for any single girl that may have had your heart broken, it is always a 2 way street---it is NEVER all your fault.  EVER.  Let me say that again...EVER!!! 

For all intents and purposes, I thought my relationship was going well.  We spent a great deal of time together, met friends and family (which y'all know are so important to me) and there appeared to be no indication that anything was off...you see where I'm going here, right?  Sure we had little arguments here and there but no knock down drag out fights--no voice raising...nothing of the sorts.  What we did have were conversations (some more heated and more emotional than others) where he thought I was being too sensitive about things he was saying or when his lack of filter annoyed me.  Again, the details aren't important and I'm not here to bash him (because that's not how I roll) but I wanted to give you a little insight.  Also, let me remind you that this whole relationship was very short and although I feel so silly that I'm this affected, I made a point to be more open and let my guard down because it was so unlike me and I needed to try things a different way. 

Anywhoodle, here's the "NO WAY" moment....he broke up with me...wait for it....on a text message.  For reals...a 35 year old man didn't have the balls (or more importantly the respect) to pick up the phone or show up at my house and tell me he was ending our relationship.  Now you see why I'm angry...right? 

Let me take a quick pause here...any Sex & the City fans out there?  It's seriously still my favorite show, even though it's been off TV for years, but I watch episodes every time I find it on TV.  But when I got the text, my very first thought was the Post It episode.  Do y'all remember that one?  When Berger broke up with Carrie on a post it that he left on her table that read "I'm sorry, I can't, Don't Hate Me."  Seriously, this was the image that popped up in my head.  Here's the clip where Carrie is telling Berger's friends how to break up with a woman---I've watched it like 12 times...He Broke Up With Me On A Post It-SATC. 
As I was saying...the break up...yep, he did it on the 21st century version of the Post-It and what Carrie said in the clip above is exactly how I felt.  It wasn't ok...it's not ok...no girl should ever have to receive a text from a man who has told her how much he cares for her.  Here's the BIG and only specific detail I am choosing to tell--his text.  "So listen...I've been giving it some thought and I feel like I need to end this relationship.  We can talk about it if you'd like." 

Again...it's why I had this face. 
 
Followed by this...

Of course I responded to his text with an absolute...yes, I want to talk about it.  But by that point, he was already done.  He was over it.  We talked for just a few minutes but now he was a different person---one that I didn't recognize anymore.

So there's the story...to get you all caught up.  But here's where the anger comes in.  I'm angry.  I've sworn a lot.  I've replaced the tears with the "F" word.  I've yelled--not at anyone, just yelled.  And I've had moments of clarity where I was like, no...that wasn't right, or why did I let that go when he said that or did that, why did I make excuses, why did I take the blame, why did I hold my tongue, etc.  Don't get me wrong...I cared for this man A LOT.  I don't think he was an asshole the entire time we were together (otherwise I wouldn't have been with him) but he certainly had a lot of asshole moments.

But in dealing with and reeling with all my thoughts and emotions, I realized that this wasn't all me--or actually me AT ALL.  And I can't blame myself for it.  And I won't blame myself for it.  And I will move on.  And I will not stop trying to find love.  And I will work on my relationship with God.  And I will pray more.  And I will love and respect myself more.  And I will love and respect my friends more.  And I won't go back to a black heart where I don't allow people in.  And I won't spend another minute crying over a man who didn't respect me enough to break up with me in an adult way.  And I will pull myself together and realize that I deserve more.  And I will stop dreaming about punching him in the face (ok, maybe not yet but someday).  But most importantly, I WILL NOT LET HIM DULL MY SPARKLE---no one will ever have that kind of control over me.

So that's it girls...I will not be writing about this guy again...wanna know why?  I refuse to let him consume the thoughts in my head anymore wondering the what if's and justifying what could've, would've happened.  I'm leaving the pieces on the floor and walking away.  Because quoting the card that accompanied the beautiful flowers my best friend Pamela sent me, "He Ain't Worth It!".  Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?

But don't you worry, I'll get back on that dating horse again soon so I'm sure I'll have plenty of bad date stories (or you never know...maybe one good one) to share again :) 

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.

Monday, February 20, 2017

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Hey Girls-

Yes, I'm back at it again...and I'm doing some heavy hitting for my first post back. 

I'm going to paint a picture for you right now...so in my best Sofia voice, "Picture it, Harrisburg NC, 2017..."  I use humor in uncomfortable situations...and I am extremely uncomfortable and feeling very vulnerable right now with what I'm about to share with y'all.  My heart is hurting, my head is reeling and confused, my lips are dry from being dehydrated, my belly is growling because I'm hungry but I can't keep anything down and my eyes are near swollen shut because the tears won't seem to stop.  There's nothing left coming out of my eyes---the tear ducts are literally empty.  Did you know that could even happen?  I'm not this kind of girl.  My friends have been checking on me non-stop, not only because they love me so much but because I think they want to make sure I didn't find a belt to hang myself with (yes, I'm also very dramatic but you get the drift).  If you are a girl, you probably know what's coming next because it most likely has happened to you at some point in your life and it sucks.  My heart has been broken.  I'm choosing to pour out what remaining emotions I have left into this blog (after not having blogged for more than a month--talk about crazy).  But I have to--I have to verbalize the pain and hurt I'm feeling.  I have to stop crying.  I have to continue the grieving stage in the break up process before I go onto the next step (which I'm hoping will be anger because that's certain to make a good blog post).  I have to be ok. 

So...in the words of the infamous and the most absolutely amazing legs in the world Tina Turner, 'What's Love Got To Do With It?"  Well, Tina....everything actually.  Love is what makes the world go round.  Love is what they make holidays for and why the Hallmark channel and Lifetime channel have such a cult following (including myself).  Love is what makes people do stupid, irrational things.  Love is what can bring you the most amazing, joyous feeling in the whole entire worlds OR can bring on the worse pain imaginable.  I feel almost silly talking about this but this is real, this is raw, this is my life...oh and this is also my blog ;) 

I've written a lot...no really A LOT about my love life on here.  For the most part, it's been about the horrible dating experiences I've had and the occasional man that I've met where I thought could be something but never turned out to be for one reason or another.  I've written about relationships where I've actually gone back and deleted actual posts to erase any type of memory or evidence that they existed in my past.  I was choosing not to learn anything from these "relationships" because I simply didn't feel like I needed to. 

Here's where the shit gets real.  Last month when I got back to blogging, on my very first post, I wrote about a new guy I was dating.  A guy that completely swept me off my feet and I was loving every minute of the process.  I intentionally didn't write about him after that because, well, I was enjoying all the time that I was spending with him getting to know him and falling in love.  Here's where I circle back to the silly part---in all actuality we were together for a very short time but what transpired during that time was nothing short of remarkable for me and the way I usually process being in a relationship.  Obviously you guys know the outcome to this relationship because I already told you I was heartbroken which may leave you asking yourself "why is she talking about this?"  When I wrote about him in my January post, I said that I wanted to remember how all this felt even if it didn't work out.  Obviously at that time, I was jaded and didn't anticipate it not working out but it is what it is and sometimes reality doesn't play out the way that we want it to and heartache is always a possibility.  So here I am, with what I feel is a broken heart and swollen sad eyes and I'm vomiting (figuratively speaking only) my feelings all over this laptop.  Because I'm doing exactly what I said I wanted to do--I'm remembering how I felt (or in this case feel).  And between the tears and dry heaving and confusion I know that I will be in a much better place than I was in my last round of dating/quasi relationships.  I was able to let my guard down, allow someone to get close to me, allow myself to feel adored and beautiful and most importantly gave myself permission to love. 

Life is hard.  Love is harder.  In the end, I know I'll be ok.  Today is just not that day.