Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Pick Your Head Up Princess, Your Tiara is Falling...

Hi Girls-

Happy Wednesday!  I've been busy.  I put on lipstick yesterday.  I did my hair today.  I'm good.  Today was a new day!

So I'm just going to dive right in...  but first, thank all you girls who were so sweet to call, email and text me such wonderful uplifting messages.  They meant more than you will ever know. 


When I last left you just a couple short days ago, I was fresh from experiencing heart break--a feeling I hadn't felt in a really long time.  I was in the grief stage where crying seemed to be the only emotion I could handle at the time.  I let my emotions pour out of me onto this blog and I have to admit that it was very therapeutic.  I allowed my heart to feel for the first time in many years and unfortunately it didn't work out the way I had planned.  But I'm ok. 

I'm in the anger stage of the break up process.  The tears have stopped.  The sadness is there but going away and my heart still hurts but for different reasons than it did on Monday.  Best thing there are no more tears.  It's amazing what a clear mind, amazing friends, some beautiful flowers, super funny texts and cards, a couple good nights of sleep and maybe a bottle of Tito's can do for you. 

I've been thinking about this post ever since I wrote the last one.  I didn't think I'd get here as quickly as I have (which is obviously a good sign) but it's here and I'm going to be completely honest with myself (and with y'all)...so if I'm inappropriate or swear, I'm sorry but this is a raw me right now.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." ---Mark Twain.  Umm...yeah...preach it Huckleberry...I love this quote and it's so fitting.

When I first started laying out my thoughts for this post, although I hadn't planned for it to be man-bashing it was definitely leaning in that direction.  And that's not how I wanted this post to be perceived.  I'm not going to bash this man for hurting me.  I'm not going to openly express what an asshole I think he is.  I'm not going to go into the details of what happened (except one big one that will make you do this...like for reals)
What I'm going to do is tell y'all about my anger and what I'm going to do to continue to work it out and most importantly move on.  Because I don't know who will be reading this and if by chance it helps someone then that's even more reason for me to lay it all out there. 

No relationship is easy.  For anyone.  No relationship is easy--especially for someone who dates me.  I'm not difficult in every situation but I'm 38, single, never been married and have become pretty set in my ways.  But let me say this...for any single girl that may have had your heart broken, it is always a 2 way street---it is NEVER all your fault.  EVER.  Let me say that again...EVER!!! 

For all intents and purposes, I thought my relationship was going well.  We spent a great deal of time together, met friends and family (which y'all know are so important to me) and there appeared to be no indication that anything was off...you see where I'm going here, right?  Sure we had little arguments here and there but no knock down drag out fights--no voice raising...nothing of the sorts.  What we did have were conversations (some more heated and more emotional than others) where he thought I was being too sensitive about things he was saying or when his lack of filter annoyed me.  Again, the details aren't important and I'm not here to bash him (because that's not how I roll) but I wanted to give you a little insight.  Also, let me remind you that this whole relationship was very short and although I feel so silly that I'm this affected, I made a point to be more open and let my guard down because it was so unlike me and I needed to try things a different way. 

Anywhoodle, here's the "NO WAY" moment....he broke up with me...wait for it....on a text message.  For reals...a 35 year old man didn't have the balls (or more importantly the respect) to pick up the phone or show up at my house and tell me he was ending our relationship.  Now you see why I'm angry...right? 

Let me take a quick pause here...any Sex & the City fans out there?  It's seriously still my favorite show, even though it's been off TV for years, but I watch episodes every time I find it on TV.  But when I got the text, my very first thought was the Post It episode.  Do y'all remember that one?  When Berger broke up with Carrie on a post it that he left on her table that read "I'm sorry, I can't, Don't Hate Me."  Seriously, this was the image that popped up in my head.  Here's the clip where Carrie is telling Berger's friends how to break up with a woman---I've watched it like 12 times...He Broke Up With Me On A Post It-SATC. 
As I was saying...the break up...yep, he did it on the 21st century version of the Post-It and what Carrie said in the clip above is exactly how I felt.  It wasn't ok...it's not ok...no girl should ever have to receive a text from a man who has told her how much he cares for her.  Here's the BIG and only specific detail I am choosing to tell--his text.  "So listen...I've been giving it some thought and I feel like I need to end this relationship.  We can talk about it if you'd like." 

Again...it's why I had this face. 
 
Followed by this...

Of course I responded to his text with an absolute...yes, I want to talk about it.  But by that point, he was already done.  He was over it.  We talked for just a few minutes but now he was a different person---one that I didn't recognize anymore.

So there's the story...to get you all caught up.  But here's where the anger comes in.  I'm angry.  I've sworn a lot.  I've replaced the tears with the "F" word.  I've yelled--not at anyone, just yelled.  And I've had moments of clarity where I was like, no...that wasn't right, or why did I let that go when he said that or did that, why did I make excuses, why did I take the blame, why did I hold my tongue, etc.  Don't get me wrong...I cared for this man A LOT.  I don't think he was an asshole the entire time we were together (otherwise I wouldn't have been with him) but he certainly had a lot of asshole moments.

But in dealing with and reeling with all my thoughts and emotions, I realized that this wasn't all me--or actually me AT ALL.  And I can't blame myself for it.  And I won't blame myself for it.  And I will move on.  And I will not stop trying to find love.  And I will work on my relationship with God.  And I will pray more.  And I will love and respect myself more.  And I will love and respect my friends more.  And I won't go back to a black heart where I don't allow people in.  And I won't spend another minute crying over a man who didn't respect me enough to break up with me in an adult way.  And I will pull myself together and realize that I deserve more.  And I will stop dreaming about punching him in the face (ok, maybe not yet but someday).  But most importantly, I WILL NOT LET HIM DULL MY SPARKLE---no one will ever have that kind of control over me.

So that's it girls...I will not be writing about this guy again...wanna know why?  I refuse to let him consume the thoughts in my head anymore wondering the what if's and justifying what could've, would've happened.  I'm leaving the pieces on the floor and walking away.  Because quoting the card that accompanied the beautiful flowers my best friend Pamela sent me, "He Ain't Worth It!".  Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?

But don't you worry, I'll get back on that dating horse again soon so I'm sure I'll have plenty of bad date stories (or you never know...maybe one good one) to share again :) 

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take.

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