Monday, February 20, 2017

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Hey Girls-

Yes, I'm back at it again...and I'm doing some heavy hitting for my first post back. 

I'm going to paint a picture for you right in my best Sofia voice, "Picture it, Harrisburg NC, 2017..."  I use humor in uncomfortable situations...and I am extremely uncomfortable and feeling very vulnerable right now with what I'm about to share with y'all.  My heart is hurting, my head is reeling and confused, my lips are dry from being dehydrated, my belly is growling because I'm hungry but I can't keep anything down and my eyes are near swollen shut because the tears won't seem to stop.  There's nothing left coming out of my eyes---the tear ducts are literally empty.  Did you know that could even happen?  I'm not this kind of girl.  My friends have been checking on me non-stop, not only because they love me so much but because I think they want to make sure I didn't find a belt to hang myself with (yes, I'm also very dramatic but you get the drift).  If you are a girl, you probably know what's coming next because it most likely has happened to you at some point in your life and it sucks.  My heart has been broken.  I'm choosing to pour out what remaining emotions I have left into this blog (after not having blogged for more than a month--talk about crazy).  But I have to--I have to verbalize the pain and hurt I'm feeling.  I have to stop crying.  I have to continue the grieving stage in the break up process before I go onto the next step (which I'm hoping will be anger because that's certain to make a good blog post).  I have to be ok. the words of the infamous and the most absolutely amazing legs in the world Tina Turner, 'What's Love Got To Do With It?"  Well, Tina....everything actually.  Love is what makes the world go round.  Love is what they make holidays for and why the Hallmark channel and Lifetime channel have such a cult following (including myself).  Love is what makes people do stupid, irrational things.  Love is what can bring you the most amazing, joyous feeling in the whole entire worlds OR can bring on the worse pain imaginable.  I feel almost silly talking about this but this is real, this is raw, this is my life...oh and this is also my blog ;) 

I've written a really A LOT about my love life on here.  For the most part, it's been about the horrible dating experiences I've had and the occasional man that I've met where I thought could be something but never turned out to be for one reason or another.  I've written about relationships where I've actually gone back and deleted actual posts to erase any type of memory or evidence that they existed in my past.  I was choosing not to learn anything from these "relationships" because I simply didn't feel like I needed to. 

Here's where the shit gets real.  Last month when I got back to blogging, on my very first post, I wrote about a new guy I was dating.  A guy that completely swept me off my feet and I was loving every minute of the process.  I intentionally didn't write about him after that because, well, I was enjoying all the time that I was spending with him getting to know him and falling in love.  Here's where I circle back to the silly part---in all actuality we were together for a very short time but what transpired during that time was nothing short of remarkable for me and the way I usually process being in a relationship.  Obviously you guys know the outcome to this relationship because I already told you I was heartbroken which may leave you asking yourself "why is she talking about this?"  When I wrote about him in my January post, I said that I wanted to remember how all this felt even if it didn't work out.  Obviously at that time, I was jaded and didn't anticipate it not working out but it is what it is and sometimes reality doesn't play out the way that we want it to and heartache is always a possibility.  So here I am, with what I feel is a broken heart and swollen sad eyes and I'm vomiting (figuratively speaking only) my feelings all over this laptop.  Because I'm doing exactly what I said I wanted to do--I'm remembering how I felt (or in this case feel).  And between the tears and dry heaving and confusion I know that I will be in a much better place than I was in my last round of dating/quasi relationships.  I was able to let my guard down, allow someone to get close to me, allow myself to feel adored and beautiful and most importantly gave myself permission to love. 

Life is hard.  Love is harder.  In the end, I know I'll be ok.  Today is just not that day.